I just g...

I just got back from a week in the British Virgin Islands! I saw lots of cool fishies; three baby squid, an octopus, a barracuda, Starfish, a brittle star, lots of sting rays, and these really awesome purple jellyfish!! time shows down there and it was good for my soul. I did alot of journaling. Perhaps I will write some of what I discovered here. and now I'm home and it's August! Yikes!I have this image in my head, this poem of sorts...I'm standing here in this blank spacebracing myself for the inevtiable crash of the future into me.it will come, it is coming. i'm spreading my arms, i'm opening myself to this changein an attempt to embraceand soften the hurt that will also inevitabley come.time is now rushing forward(after all this time of waiting it chooses now to speed up)and it's careening off the roads of my control.i'm stuck here, dragging my feettrying to run into that oblivioin of the futurewanting to lose myself in something new (for once)but held back, pulled backby lines of childhood innocence and a mirad of old friendship stringsin which i am tangled up in.i was trying to straighten out my life. organize everything.i cleaned out my closet, threw away old letters.i joined facebook and put myself out there. met new people over the internet.and i bought an address book to put everyone's name and number in so that i would not forget and so i could keep in touch.and yet somewhere along the lines, i completely messed everything up. hahai've now fallen. gotten tangled up in all these friendships lines.this saddens me and frusterates me to no end. the sadness is becuase i tried to keep it all so organized and failed.the sadness just makes me sad.the frusteration makes me want to burn my adress book,cut all of the ties off, never talk to anyone again,live in a secluded island by myself and be gloriously anti-social.the frusteration is the scary part.i get so caught up in trying to keep friends close.that other damn girl can do it, but i can't.i'm trying so hard at communication.

Fuck 'em all....

Fuck 'em all.

I wrot...

I wrote this in my journal last week and I find it worthy of posting... *Shrugs*Perhaps this is the ultimate human purpose; to feel utterly alone in this world and be completely insecure and unsure of absolutely everything.woot woot I've been up since 5:30 am hehe. i was at the boat house from 6am - 10am this morning and it was fantastic. i rowed for four hours! glorious-ness! (: Coach Todd came down and took us sculling and we got to take a quad out!!! and i'm in looove! i absolutely love sculling! it's my life-long calling haha. it's what i'm gonna do when i grow up hehe.

i'm in the...

i'm in the mood for a deep bubble bath. for snuggles and quiet whispers. i'm in the mood for storytelling, for falling asleep on someone's lap. i'm in the mood to be comforted, held, safe. i'm in the mood to let my hair be a delicious mess, let the quivering nerves under my skin relax, let my mouth stutter where it will, take a deep breath and dive into me. ((and yet unfortunately I am here, biting my lip for no reason. exhuasted but staying up late anyways. alone. and trying to type out my emotions while watching SVU instead of sleeping. le sigh.))today i missed my long hair while at the same time fought the cumpulsion to shave it all off. *shrugs* i'm so weird lol.