you know ...

you know today's going to be a rough day when you wake up sad and still upset. you know you've had a rough few days when you wake up with a headache from crying so hard and you wake up angry. le sigh. i need to stop this. It's becuase of people like Matt and Kate that I pull deeper into myself.... becuase it hurts so fucking much. but I have other people, better friends and they're going to help me through. no more of this nonsense. I want that feeling that I had yesterday back.... it was just like the day after Matt and I had our first break.... I felt like I could take on the world. I felt free. I didn't need anyone. I ws independant and myself. Today, last night, it's kind of hit me. But I keep telling myself that it's okay, everything will be okay. It's so hard to trust people when they've done nothing but disappoint you. I'm glad to be leaving.... I"m just afraid I'm looking for this leave to fix alot of different things; emotionally, spiritually, socially, physically even. and I feel like I might be getting my hopes up. anyways enough of this. I've only been up for 15 minutes and look at all these worries I already have. le sigh. keep me in your prayers.

it's been g...

it's been good today to feel my friends rallying behind me. thank you to those who listen to my rants, understood my tears, and called later to make sure I was still okay. I love you all dearly.

I'm feeling slight...

I'm feeling slightly betrayed tonight or recently I guess I should say. It's been an interesting weekend of nerves and annoying-ness from the rents. le sigh. it's hard on all of us i suppose.and i'm also feeling quite ugly and fat currently. rawr periods and insecurities.

Lay your headUpon ...

Lay your headUpon my pillow.Hold your warm and tender bodyClose to mine.And make believe you love me.One more time.For the good times.

So I'm in NC visit...

So I'm in NC visiting Emily M and I am in love with her neighborhood. It's the type of place I want to live in and raise my kids in. It's a quiant little town and I'm simply enchanted by it's simplicty. The homes are beautiful and older and close together and on streets and there are circles often instead of stop signs. and they are not gigantic houses, they look loved. and it's literally right next to Duke. like two blocks away. seriously. meep! and you can walk or bike lots of places and it's simply delicious. it's idyllic down here/currently. I don't want to go back just yet....

"Maybe we're ...

"Maybe we're wired that way... maybe with out [the pain] we wouldn't feel normal..." -Grey's AnatomyUnderneath it all I'm a very introverted person. I find comfort coffee shops with a friend or so, in the warmth of my dog, in random comments and posts by nice people, in jeans that actually fit. I don't like when people don't text me back, I don't like that I didn't have anyone to watch the stars with last night, I don't like big groups of people, I don't like High School, I don't like people who don't tell me things or leave things out, I don't like liars.I'm trying to think of good things: foam soap, Grey's Anatomy, my dog, Nutella. le sigh.

Kirsten's party...

Kirsten's party was very good. Good for me even though I’m anti-social lol. I haven't been around so many people at once since graduation. Haha. I love Emily Oliver. She is one of my favorite people lol. Lots of laughs last night that were good for the soul. As much as I didn't like Severn there are a few gems in the bunch.... and it's still change albeit a welcomed one. *Shrugs* KT’s party tonight, hopefully more laughs and hugs. Although my crew people give the best hugs and my crew friends are the best at making be feel better the fastest. I still feel awkward around Severn people. *Shrugs*I got up at 7:30am this morning. Eep! I woke up because of nightmares. I can't remember the last good dream I had. I always have these crazy detailed nightmares where people get murdered. And it's so strange because I can still clearly see their faces... it's all so real. And it makes me wonder if I'm watching something in real life in my dreams... if I’m watching all these people die for real. It’s just so weird. Meg asked me the other day about dreams and I still can't remember the last good dream I had. I'm always running, always getting shot, dying, being shot at, watching someone die, watching crimes/murders, or simply being terrified in my dream... it's yucky.I've also been stuttering ALOT recently. Le sigh. And I mean a lot a lot. So much it's getting on my nerves. And I want to whisper to that little girl inside me... 'Shhh it's okay. You’ll be fine. You are loved. Do not fear, love. Be brave. Take deep breaths. I love you.' but still I stutter on.... I feel more self-conscious. I'm back to the old habit of avoiding words and avoiding things. Meep. Pray for me. Stupid subconscious.

Yet ...

Yet again I have so much to write about… it’s the story of my life. I’m at work right now and I’m just figuring stuff out on my computer. Okay there are two main things I suppose I want to talk about: 1. the guy who just came in and 2. Amy Reese and dinner last night.1. This guy just came into the café to eat his lunch after his drawing class and he walks over to start a conversation with me. Not to order anything, simply to talk. Asks me about school, etc and then asks what I plan on majoring in. I tell him: Peace and Justice Studies. And he probes deeper, like he really wants to know, so what the hell? I let myself open up a bit… I tell him I don’t dream of money. That I want to live poor, place my trust in God and help people. He admits he much more of a cynic and doesn’t have the altruistic sense of youth anymore… he says I should be somewhat concerned about money…. Not loads of money, but money to be comfortable, money to be able to retire, money to pay for health bills…. I laugh. He says, you laugh now, but what if the village you’re living in gets taken over by another tribe and kills your friends, tortures you and yes you’re an American, but in South America, etc you’re treated the same as everyone else. He was like even missionaries don’t always get treated with respect and so on. And I just smile and I was like I know, sir, it’s just part of being a missionary. That’s part of the risk a missionary takes. *Shrugs* and he just looked at me in absolute befuddlement—like he couldn’t understand how in the world at 18 year old girl with the world at her fingers could or want to willingly choose (how’s that for repetitive) a lifestyle of poverty, death, risk and danger. *shrugs* I don’t know. All I know is that something inside me demands it. I may be altruistic, naive, and young, but that doesn’t mean I can’t or won’t follow through. Keep me in your prayers. (:2. Alright onto point number two—Amy Reese and dinner!!! Ahhh it was so awesome to talk to a Catholic Wellesley Alum…. And she just got me sooooo pumped for everything. We went online and 9 professors that she had when she went to Wellesley (Class of 1980) are still there! So she wrote down all of their names for me. Told me about the Newman group, gave me advice on warm clothing and where to buy it, told me a smidge about my down and filled me in on the Wellesley networking! Which is like the coolest thing ever…. a. Wellesley Alums are everywhere! Their network is absolutely incredible! It’s this huge sense of sisterhood where ever you are… all around the world! She told me about her friend who went to Japan on this scholarship for her P.H.D. and she was on a full scholarship, completely broke and miserable. So a friend told her to look up the Tokyo Wellesley group and she did… and they showed her around, took her on days trips, took her out to dinner, invited her to their houses (which is very unusual for the Japanese), etc. she was there for three years and loved it; made incredible friends and just created this huge network! It’s incredible! b. Amy was a triple major in History, History of Art and Anthropology, and a double minor in Spanish and Poly Sci…. not to mention she played Varsity lacrosse and tennis all four years and was in student government all four years. WOW. Wellesley women are incredible and I feel so honored to be among them. So many opportunities are opening up—it’s awesome! For example if I want to study Greek… I can! I just have to want it and viola! It’s there! Its simple incredible. Amy also gave me the monthly Wellesley Alum Magazine so I could see what all these women are up to now…. And wow! It’s also amazing. c. In this issue there is this whole article about Wellesley women with Autistic children. And it is… I can’t even describe it. There is this one woman in there who is fluent in 8 languages, married this guy who ended up owned some part of General Motors and they dreamed of traveling the world. Their first daughter was born in China and they thought nothing of her slow learning curve because they were raising her to be trilingual by speaking Spanish and English at home and then they lived in China! But then by the time she was 2 they realized something really was wrong… they took her to the States to get diagnosed…. And within two weeks her husband switched jobs and then moved back to the US into a community with a strong school for disability kids. And now this incredible woman is a stay at home mom… after all her dreams. And she has another daughter, not Autistic, and she loves them both dearly. She says this isn’t what she imagined, but she loves it nonetheless. Just wow. These women are simple incredible. d. Talking to these women, talking to anyone who went or is going to Wellesley makes me feel less alone. Here are women like me… who feel too much, who want to change the world, who have had their heart broken, who are crazy and eccentric and passionate about what they believe in, who crave intellectual conversation, who question the world, who seek answers…. Poets, dreamers, world savers haha. That’s why I like this school. Because for once I’m in an environment where all the women over think absolutely everything! And I’m realizing I’m not so alone in this world! It’s an incredible feeling. It’s an empowering feeling. Throughout middle and high school I’ve always hated being a woman, because I feel too much, I cry too much, I think to much and so on. I always hated it. I have often hated the very essence of me; my womanhood. And here (I’m not even actually there yet haha), but here I feel a connection. And for the first time a real strength in being a woman. This is the place that will help me fully embrace my womanhood; that will help me love myself as a woman. This place will help me heal.

I want to say:come...

I want to say:come to me in the rain. Kiss me under the thunderclouddance with me in the moonlight love me in the dark.

I want to say:come...

I want to say:come to me in the rain. Kiss me under the thunderclouddance with me in the moonlight love me in the dark.

I just g...

I just got back from a week in the British Virgin Islands! I saw lots of cool fishies; three baby squid, an octopus, a barracuda, Starfish, a brittle star, lots of sting rays, and these really awesome purple jellyfish!! time shows down there and it was good for my soul. I did alot of journaling. Perhaps I will write some of what I discovered here. and now I'm home and it's August! Yikes!I have this image in my head, this poem of sorts...I'm standing here in this blank spacebracing myself for the inevtiable crash of the future into me.it will come, it is coming. i'm spreading my arms, i'm opening myself to this changein an attempt to embraceand soften the hurt that will also inevitabley come.time is now rushing forward(after all this time of waiting it chooses now to speed up)and it's careening off the roads of my control.i'm stuck here, dragging my feettrying to run into that oblivioin of the futurewanting to lose myself in something new (for once)but held back, pulled backby lines of childhood innocence and a mirad of old friendship stringsin which i am tangled up in.i was trying to straighten out my life. organize everything.i cleaned out my closet, threw away old letters.i joined facebook and put myself out there. met new people over the internet.and i bought an address book to put everyone's name and number in so that i would not forget and so i could keep in touch.and yet somewhere along the lines, i completely messed everything up. hahai've now fallen. gotten tangled up in all these friendships lines.this saddens me and frusterates me to no end. the sadness is becuase i tried to keep it all so organized and failed.the sadness just makes me sad.the frusteration makes me want to burn my adress book,cut all of the ties off, never talk to anyone again,live in a secluded island by myself and be gloriously anti-social.the frusteration is the scary part.i get so caught up in trying to keep friends close.that other damn girl can do it, but i can't.i'm trying so hard at communication.

Fuck 'em all....

Fuck 'em all.

I wrot...

I wrote this in my journal last week and I find it worthy of posting... *Shrugs*Perhaps this is the ultimate human purpose; to feel utterly alone in this world and be completely insecure and unsure of absolutely everything.woot woot I've been up since 5:30 am hehe. i was at the boat house from 6am - 10am this morning and it was fantastic. i rowed for four hours! glorious-ness! (: Coach Todd came down and took us sculling and we got to take a quad out!!! and i'm in looove! i absolutely love sculling! it's my life-long calling haha. it's what i'm gonna do when i grow up hehe.

i'm in the...

i'm in the mood for a deep bubble bath. for snuggles and quiet whispers. i'm in the mood for storytelling, for falling asleep on someone's lap. i'm in the mood to be comforted, held, safe. i'm in the mood to let my hair be a delicious mess, let the quivering nerves under my skin relax, let my mouth stutter where it will, take a deep breath and dive into me. ((and yet unfortunately I am here, biting my lip for no reason. exhuasted but staying up late anyways. alone. and trying to type out my emotions while watching SVU instead of sleeping. le sigh.))today i missed my long hair while at the same time fought the cumpulsion to shave it all off. *shrugs* i'm so weird lol.

How do you know wh...

How do you know when how much is too much? Too much too soon. Too much information. Too much fun. Too much love. Too much to ask... And when is it all just too much to bear? --Dr. Meredith GreyShelter me oh genius wordsJust give me strengthJust to pen these thingsAnd give me peace to well her wingsAnd oh oh carry on all you minstrels of the world((For the life of me I cannot remember what made us think that we were wise and we'd never compromise))There are certain people you just keep coming back to....You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life. - Winston Churchilldry your eyes, clear your mindyou just gotta take it one day at a timedust off your heart, take it off the shelfyou gotta remember to love yourself

Stay...

Stay Gone by Jimmy WayneI found piece of mind I'm feeling good againI'm on the other sideBack among the livingAin't a cloud in the skyAll my tears have been criedAnd I can finally saySo baby,baby stayStay right where you areI like it this wayIt's good for my heartI haven't felt like thisIn God knows how longI know everything's gonna be okayIf you just stay goneI still love you and I will foreverWe can't hide the truthWe know each other betterWhen we try to make it workWe both end up hurtAnd it ain't supposed to be that waySo baby,baby stayStay right where you areI like it this wayIt's good for my heartI haven't felt like thisIn God knows how longI know everything's gonna be okayIf you just stay goneWhen you try to make it workWe both end up hurtLove ain't supposed to be this waySo baby,baby stayStay right where you areI like it this wayIt's good for my heartI haven't felt like thisIn God knows how longI know everything's gonna be okayIf you just stay goneI know everything's gonna be okayIf you just stay gone

meeep. my e...

meeep. my eyes hurt. le sigh. i've gotten up at 5:30 am for the past two days and i'm getting up again tomorrow at 5:30 am. mrrr.

When powe...

When power leads man towards arrogance, poetry reminds him of his limitations. When power narrows the area of man's concern, poetry reminds him of the richness and diversity of existence. When power corrupts, poetry cleanses.
- John Fitzgerald Kennedy, 1917 - 1963

“I love this...

“I love this crazy, tragic, sometime almost magic, awful, beautiful life.”

hold on to me tight.

sigh. it's time for bed. it's really time for me to bid this world goodbye for today. and i shall breathe in and exhale the world. and for a mere 7 hours i will attempt to rest in peace.pray for me

spitting out.

How am I suppose to tell him that I didn’t want him to come over?Damn. He stopped by; in a mad mood. And it’s not like I was craving to see him. So yeah.Tried to drink my fill of his kisses. Frustrating. He wasn’t wanting those kisses back. I don’t know how to explain it, but it was like he was just allowing me to kiss him and not really pulling me in.So I drank orange juice and washing him out.Sigh.

meee...

meeeep.extremely bad day. to say the least. complete and total mental breakdowns are not good. especially when you get mad at the nurse. especially when you are desperate enough to try and skip school. especially when you prefer to go and cry by yourself in a corner of the nurses room rather than talk about it. especially when you cry for an hour. ... and then you go to Spanish class and go to the bathroom and cry more. blahhhh….. but I have wonderful friends. I just wish I were with them more often. I don’t see why I couldn’t have gone down to the park. Screw school nurses. *angry eyes*anyways… leaving for boston tomorrow morning early. That’s exciting. I’m excited.Farewell all.

meeeep. so i m...

meeeep. so i mention that i want to see him tomorrow becuase i'm going away for awhile, and he's like a weekend. and mrr it was just sarcastic and that angers me. blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. *angry eyes*nothing but crap. so now i don't want to see him tomorrow. and that's kind of sad becuase i had wanted to, but now i really don't want to. fine then matthew. i shall see you next week.

stellaamarante

I have this random desire to sleep naked. :)