things are okay. ...

things are okay. i really really need to write, but haven't yet found the time. i need my own journal time with a purple pen and paper. to sort this all out. i don't know much, but I know that I have good friends. and through this mess they've just right in and held my hands. they are being brave which helps me be brave.i was up till 3 am last night. freaking out about stupid stuff. but it doesn't matter. le sigh. i just have to keep telling myself that.i've been listening to Yellowcard and Fall Out Boy all day and night recently. so all these random (and good) lines from their songs keep playing in my head. "i only want sympathy in the form of you crawling in to bed with me," "so many nights, legs tangled tight," "why don't you show me that little bit of spine you've been saving for his mattress, love," "think about the love inside the strength of heart," "you're the only place that feels like home," "i'll be your best kept secret and your biggest mistake," "sew this up with threads of reason and regret," "close up these eyes, try not to cry," "So wear me like a locket around your throat. I'll weigh you down. I'll watch you choke. You look so good in blue.You look so good in blue." "take our tears, put them on ice," and the poets are just kids who didn't make it," "the record won't stop skipping, and the lies just won't stop slipping...."i'm trying to focus on the good. after so much shit there has just been an outpouring of goodness around me. of good solid hugs, of the right things said at the right time by the right people, of honest people, of loyal friendships, of love, real love for me of all people! hah! it's kind of scary to realize how much my friends love me and yet so so so good for me right now. so thank you. and if i don't tell you enough, thank you, thank you, thank you for loving me. i need it more than ever. and i'll do my best to love back :)

you know ...

you know today's going to be a rough day when you wake up sad and still upset. you know you've had a rough few days when you wake up with a headache from crying so hard and you wake up angry. le sigh. i need to stop this. It's becuase of people like Matt and Kate that I pull deeper into myself.... becuase it hurts so fucking much. but I have other people, better friends and they're going to help me through. no more of this nonsense. I want that feeling that I had yesterday back.... it was just like the day after Matt and I had our first break.... I felt like I could take on the world. I felt free. I didn't need anyone. I ws independant and myself. Today, last night, it's kind of hit me. But I keep telling myself that it's okay, everything will be okay. It's so hard to trust people when they've done nothing but disappoint you. I'm glad to be leaving.... I"m just afraid I'm looking for this leave to fix alot of different things; emotionally, spiritually, socially, physically even. and I feel like I might be getting my hopes up. anyways enough of this. I've only been up for 15 minutes and look at all these worries I already have. le sigh. keep me in your prayers.

it's been g...

it's been good today to feel my friends rallying behind me. thank you to those who listen to my rants, understood my tears, and called later to make sure I was still okay. I love you all dearly.

I'm feeling slight...

I'm feeling slightly betrayed tonight or recently I guess I should say. It's been an interesting weekend of nerves and annoying-ness from the rents. le sigh. it's hard on all of us i suppose.and i'm also feeling quite ugly and fat currently. rawr periods and insecurities.

Lay your headUpon ...

Lay your headUpon my pillow.Hold your warm and tender bodyClose to mine.And make believe you love me.One more time.For the good times.

So I'm in NC visit...

So I'm in NC visiting Emily M and I am in love with her neighborhood. It's the type of place I want to live in and raise my kids in. It's a quiant little town and I'm simply enchanted by it's simplicty. The homes are beautiful and older and close together and on streets and there are circles often instead of stop signs. and they are not gigantic houses, they look loved. and it's literally right next to Duke. like two blocks away. seriously. meep! and you can walk or bike lots of places and it's simply delicious. it's idyllic down here/currently. I don't want to go back just yet....

"Maybe we're ...

"Maybe we're wired that way... maybe with out [the pain] we wouldn't feel normal..." -Grey's AnatomyUnderneath it all I'm a very introverted person. I find comfort coffee shops with a friend or so, in the warmth of my dog, in random comments and posts by nice people, in jeans that actually fit. I don't like when people don't text me back, I don't like that I didn't have anyone to watch the stars with last night, I don't like big groups of people, I don't like High School, I don't like people who don't tell me things or leave things out, I don't like liars.I'm trying to think of good things: foam soap, Grey's Anatomy, my dog, Nutella. le sigh.