it's been g...

it's been good today to feel my friends rallying behind me. thank you to those who listen to my rants, understood my tears, and called later to make sure I was still okay. I love you all dearly.

I'm feeling slight...

I'm feeling slightly betrayed tonight or recently I guess I should say. It's been an interesting weekend of nerves and annoying-ness from the rents. le sigh. it's hard on all of us i suppose.and i'm also feeling quite ugly and fat currently. rawr periods and insecurities.

Lay your headUpon ...

Lay your headUpon my pillow.Hold your warm and tender bodyClose to mine.And make believe you love me.One more time.For the good times.

So I'm in NC visit...

So I'm in NC visiting Emily M and I am in love with her neighborhood. It's the type of place I want to live in and raise my kids in. It's a quiant little town and I'm simply enchanted by it's simplicty. The homes are beautiful and older and close together and on streets and there are circles often instead of stop signs. and they are not gigantic houses, they look loved. and it's literally right next to Duke. like two blocks away. seriously. meep! and you can walk or bike lots of places and it's simply delicious. it's idyllic down here/currently. I don't want to go back just yet....

"Maybe we're ...

"Maybe we're wired that way... maybe with out [the pain] we wouldn't feel normal..." -Grey's AnatomyUnderneath it all I'm a very introverted person. I find comfort coffee shops with a friend or so, in the warmth of my dog, in random comments and posts by nice people, in jeans that actually fit. I don't like when people don't text me back, I don't like that I didn't have anyone to watch the stars with last night, I don't like big groups of people, I don't like High School, I don't like people who don't tell me things or leave things out, I don't like liars.I'm trying to think of good things: foam soap, Grey's Anatomy, my dog, Nutella. le sigh.

Kirsten's party...

Kirsten's party was very good. Good for me even though I’m anti-social lol. I haven't been around so many people at once since graduation. Haha. I love Emily Oliver. She is one of my favorite people lol. Lots of laughs last night that were good for the soul. As much as I didn't like Severn there are a few gems in the bunch.... and it's still change albeit a welcomed one. *Shrugs* KT’s party tonight, hopefully more laughs and hugs. Although my crew people give the best hugs and my crew friends are the best at making be feel better the fastest. I still feel awkward around Severn people. *Shrugs*I got up at 7:30am this morning. Eep! I woke up because of nightmares. I can't remember the last good dream I had. I always have these crazy detailed nightmares where people get murdered. And it's so strange because I can still clearly see their faces... it's all so real. And it makes me wonder if I'm watching something in real life in my dreams... if I’m watching all these people die for real. It’s just so weird. Meg asked me the other day about dreams and I still can't remember the last good dream I had. I'm always running, always getting shot, dying, being shot at, watching someone die, watching crimes/murders, or simply being terrified in my dream... it's yucky.I've also been stuttering ALOT recently. Le sigh. And I mean a lot a lot. So much it's getting on my nerves. And I want to whisper to that little girl inside me... 'Shhh it's okay. You’ll be fine. You are loved. Do not fear, love. Be brave. Take deep breaths. I love you.' but still I stutter on.... I feel more self-conscious. I'm back to the old habit of avoiding words and avoiding things. Meep. Pray for me. Stupid subconscious.

Yet ...

Yet again I have so much to write about… it’s the story of my life. I’m at work right now and I’m just figuring stuff out on my computer. Okay there are two main things I suppose I want to talk about: 1. the guy who just came in and 2. Amy Reese and dinner last night.1. This guy just came into the café to eat his lunch after his drawing class and he walks over to start a conversation with me. Not to order anything, simply to talk. Asks me about school, etc and then asks what I plan on majoring in. I tell him: Peace and Justice Studies. And he probes deeper, like he really wants to know, so what the hell? I let myself open up a bit… I tell him I don’t dream of money. That I want to live poor, place my trust in God and help people. He admits he much more of a cynic and doesn’t have the altruistic sense of youth anymore… he says I should be somewhat concerned about money…. Not loads of money, but money to be comfortable, money to be able to retire, money to pay for health bills…. I laugh. He says, you laugh now, but what if the village you’re living in gets taken over by another tribe and kills your friends, tortures you and yes you’re an American, but in South America, etc you’re treated the same as everyone else. He was like even missionaries don’t always get treated with respect and so on. And I just smile and I was like I know, sir, it’s just part of being a missionary. That’s part of the risk a missionary takes. *Shrugs* and he just looked at me in absolute befuddlement—like he couldn’t understand how in the world at 18 year old girl with the world at her fingers could or want to willingly choose (how’s that for repetitive) a lifestyle of poverty, death, risk and danger. *shrugs* I don’t know. All I know is that something inside me demands it. I may be altruistic, naive, and young, but that doesn’t mean I can’t or won’t follow through. Keep me in your prayers. (:2. Alright onto point number two—Amy Reese and dinner!!! Ahhh it was so awesome to talk to a Catholic Wellesley Alum…. And she just got me sooooo pumped for everything. We went online and 9 professors that she had when she went to Wellesley (Class of 1980) are still there! So she wrote down all of their names for me. Told me about the Newman group, gave me advice on warm clothing and where to buy it, told me a smidge about my down and filled me in on the Wellesley networking! Which is like the coolest thing ever…. a. Wellesley Alums are everywhere! Their network is absolutely incredible! It’s this huge sense of sisterhood where ever you are… all around the world! She told me about her friend who went to Japan on this scholarship for her P.H.D. and she was on a full scholarship, completely broke and miserable. So a friend told her to look up the Tokyo Wellesley group and she did… and they showed her around, took her on days trips, took her out to dinner, invited her to their houses (which is very unusual for the Japanese), etc. she was there for three years and loved it; made incredible friends and just created this huge network! It’s incredible! b. Amy was a triple major in History, History of Art and Anthropology, and a double minor in Spanish and Poly Sci…. not to mention she played Varsity lacrosse and tennis all four years and was in student government all four years. WOW. Wellesley women are incredible and I feel so honored to be among them. So many opportunities are opening up—it’s awesome! For example if I want to study Greek… I can! I just have to want it and viola! It’s there! Its simple incredible. Amy also gave me the monthly Wellesley Alum Magazine so I could see what all these women are up to now…. And wow! It’s also amazing. c. In this issue there is this whole article about Wellesley women with Autistic children. And it is… I can’t even describe it. There is this one woman in there who is fluent in 8 languages, married this guy who ended up owned some part of General Motors and they dreamed of traveling the world. Their first daughter was born in China and they thought nothing of her slow learning curve because they were raising her to be trilingual by speaking Spanish and English at home and then they lived in China! But then by the time she was 2 they realized something really was wrong… they took her to the States to get diagnosed…. And within two weeks her husband switched jobs and then moved back to the US into a community with a strong school for disability kids. And now this incredible woman is a stay at home mom… after all her dreams. And she has another daughter, not Autistic, and she loves them both dearly. She says this isn’t what she imagined, but she loves it nonetheless. Just wow. These women are simple incredible. d. Talking to these women, talking to anyone who went or is going to Wellesley makes me feel less alone. Here are women like me… who feel too much, who want to change the world, who have had their heart broken, who are crazy and eccentric and passionate about what they believe in, who crave intellectual conversation, who question the world, who seek answers…. Poets, dreamers, world savers haha. That’s why I like this school. Because for once I’m in an environment where all the women over think absolutely everything! And I’m realizing I’m not so alone in this world! It’s an incredible feeling. It’s an empowering feeling. Throughout middle and high school I’ve always hated being a woman, because I feel too much, I cry too much, I think to much and so on. I always hated it. I have often hated the very essence of me; my womanhood. And here (I’m not even actually there yet haha), but here I feel a connection. And for the first time a real strength in being a woman. This is the place that will help me fully embrace my womanhood; that will help me love myself as a woman. This place will help me heal.

I want to say:come...

I want to say:come to me in the rain. Kiss me under the thunderclouddance with me in the moonlight love me in the dark.

I want to say:come...

I want to say:come to me in the rain. Kiss me under the thunderclouddance with me in the moonlight love me in the dark.